omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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