Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
