I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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