Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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