so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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