Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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