I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Never underestimate the power of titties
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