Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
