I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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