Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
