I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
