so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
