dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
