is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
