Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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