you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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