Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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