you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
