So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
