Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
