I will die if light touches me.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
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We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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