You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
