come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
