this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
