Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
