I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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