I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
