I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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