if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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