Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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