shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
