I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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