I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
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She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
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In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Sorry about my life...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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