fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
