I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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