She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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