Too much gin, very little bucket
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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