I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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