what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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