I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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