What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
