loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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