Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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