I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
