So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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