I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
