I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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