It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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