I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize