you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
