he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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