I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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