The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
