you have to choose: penises or morals?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
