either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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