And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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