what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Boobs speak an international language.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
