My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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