so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
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It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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