And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
