Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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