Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
